If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize