Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize