I haven't been this sober since birth.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Are my feet made of real feet?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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