i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
