allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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