Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
