You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
