Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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