Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize