if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
