You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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