Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
