Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
