This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
