He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
