his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
