Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
