There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
