I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
