every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize