its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's never too late to be topless.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
