I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
