I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
