did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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