That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
