My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
