quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
