Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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