when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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