My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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