I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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