My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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