maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
