Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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