so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
