a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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