what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
