Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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