I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
