its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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