Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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