Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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