watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she peed on how many people?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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