You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
