I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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