the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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