i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
