Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
