Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just had sex on a roof
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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