bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
