well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
