The brown eye won't let me do that either.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
