You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
