Please, let me fuck your mom
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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