my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
