the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Drake has all the answers
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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