They should really pass out barf bags in church
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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