I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
