i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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