i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
