i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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