I got chris browned last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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