I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize