i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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