when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
