Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
