Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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