You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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